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OH DI FOUF!!! The atrocities I have been subjected to by Nairobi women for years has become too much now! Abeg!!!! You dey pay your money to a Naijorian pasto to go find you hozband o when you dey look & smell like di devil!!! Mmmmmsssssscccccchhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww!!! Abomination!!!! As women we always have to be presentable, be it a formal or informal setting. Some of our sisters in this, our fair city, need a lot of help and I’m here to give it to them. I will use a lot of visual aids so that you have something to work with ok? Ok, dale!

1. Hair:

I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry when I think of all the awful/weird/gross/ghastly hair dos I have seen on some of the lovely ladies here in Nairobi! I swear some women look like they went to get their hair done at their co-wive’s salon because whoever is responsible for the hot messes on their heads is no friend of theirs! Our hair crowns our entire being, we need to make sure we don’t look like we just walkd out of a cave. I get it, we all have bad hair days but it is never that serious! There is always a quick fix! Get a wig, a head wrap, sleek back your hair like I do! keep it clean, keep it healthy, keep it well. If you need help we have salons galore! You have no excuse!!!

not a good look

if you're wearing braids always keep them neat and pretty.

straight hair is always light, fun, and easy to manage. you cannot go wrong!

slicked back look is always a classic! works esp when you're having a bad hair day

wavy or curly hair needs to be combed to keep neat & have a maintained look

2. Body Hair

It is a shame that I have to cover this at all! There is nothing more unfeminine than looking like Cousin “IT” from the Adam’s Family in your pubic area, under your arms and on your legs! My darlings, if you’re rocking the 70’s porn star look or grizzly armpits you need to get acquainted with a razor, waxing, Veet-whatever!!! Even a lawn mower would do! Get it sorted! I understand some women or their significant others may prefer some hair down there but still, keep it maintainable!!! let’s leave the forbidden forest at Hogwarts ok?

I know someone with a pic like this on FB and it's her profile pic! yuck! Just vulgar! hata hana haya!

if you gotta rock that look, do it clean!

hahahaha I couldn't resist!

if this is you I hope you're growing it long enough to twist into a noose so you can hang yourself! eeeiiiwww!!!!

he is a liar who probably wants to mate with bears!

pretty to look at & clean too

#iCant!!!!

nice clean hairless legs! Amen!

3. B.O.:

My head is spinning already just from typing that! Anyone who knows me well knows I have osmophobia, which according to wikipedia is “a fear, aversion, or psychological hypersensitivity to smells or odors” (follow the link and you may understand my migraines). Everything from bad breath, sweat, urine and what have you! Makes me sick! It is a pity that women should have to make me go through this! Please, I’m asking nicely, invest in some soap, deo, body spray, perfume, oodi na kadhalika! And especially invest time in keeping yourself clean & fresh! You do not wanna be the woman that smells like Kamiti prison!

this message is endorsed by Oshin!

dada zanguni, please!!! deo ni muhimu!!!

*hurl*

4. Tips & Toes:

Hands, nails, feet, toes. . .  why women neglect them I don’t know! How they look says a lot about you. You may be all dressed up, looking good, smelling right but if your hands or feet are jacked up then the entire look suffers. Our nails should always be clean & neat with or without polish. A little trick I learnt is glitter varnish makes any mess look pretty! Try it when in a rush! As for feet, they cannot be looking like Frodo’s! Please! Before the pics I have got to give a shout out to two ladies who always have super manicures: Gina Din & Kamal Kaur! Ladies, salute!

biting your nails like this is self mutilation! please stop!

beautifully manicured hands

no polish clean look

and then you wear open heels and a short skirt! I want to cry!!!

the nails look like they are rotting!!!

hahaha!!! seriously? I know some people who are headed in that direction. well, at least this one has clean feet

get pedicures when you can! The result is always lovely

5. Underwear:

Where do I begin? From dirty thongs that can be seen over the pants to huge busted girls who wear boob tubes that make them look like they have uniboob! *sigh* ladies, wear discreet panties & correct sized bras. That is all.

as she makes her ass look like it has camel toe! unforgivable!!!

get measured for your correct bra size for comfort & fit! do not emBRArass yourself!

6. Face:

I shall start with eyebrows or lack thereof! Aree baba!!! the creations I see! All the colors! All the shapes! The densities!!! Mungu awaonekanie!!! Eyebrows do a lot to shape your face. They hold the look together. Thick shaped eyebrows are always best as they give a wholesome, neat non-strained look . Thin eyebrows can make you look older than you really are. God knows the nightmare I went through when mine were done too thin! The shape you should go for is one that suits your face: some work with curved, others arched etc. Get them done by tweezing, threading or waxing. I understand some use a razor, just be careful! Symmetry is key but if you are a perfectionist you may end up thinning them. DO NOT shave off all your brows then draw some on! What happens when you sweat them off? Gosh! Tattoos are available!

nicely shaped

hahahahaha this is just a pity!!!

Women are known to have lovely lush lips that drive the fellas gaga. When we talk, people tend to zone in on the lips. This means we can not afford to have cracked or chapped lips! They should always look healthy & non-repulsive!

mashaka!!!

lush!

lipgloss, lipstick, vaseline: your friends!!!

Makeup wise, I have seen some nightmares!!! Not everything works on everyone but there are universally flattering looks. Our ladies need to experiment a tad and find out what works on them. Some go around looking like clowns, others scarecrows, others still drag queen!

if you look like this I WILL point and laugh!

bold enough for the evening

toned down day look

toned down day look-me

a more intense look for the night-me

Well, I do understand that makeup is personal. I, for instance, can rarely be seen without having kohl on. It’s just me. Also, makeup is fun! Enjoy it. A little blush or some mascara can make a big difference to your look: and when you look pretty you feel pretty!

Be clean, be fresh, be presentable no matter the occasion or setting! You never know who’s looking or where you may end up!

xoxo

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